Stripclubs for dummies

So you and your buddies wanna go out on a Saturday night. Your sick and tired of the same old meet markets and local bars and are hem hawing about where to go. Then outta the back seat you hear I KNOW WHERE THERES ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL LADIES!!! LETS GO TO THE TITTIE BAR!!! First off that buddy is an idiot and you should probobly throw him from the car immediatly (i will explain in the later part of this blog). So you pull into your finest local gentlemans club. You park and walk up to the door where your greated with your first obstacle the door man. The door man is a rare breed that range from the muscle bound meat heads to the scrawny but over egotistical. These guys are not your friends and limitied contact is advised. This is also the first time you relize that this was not only a good idea but its also gonna be an expensive night,this relization comes when the doorman proudly announces 5 bucks a piece gentlemen.... Grrrr you pay it. Total spent on the night $5 and you still dont have a drink. But there is good news! You see a seat in the back where its kinda dark a good place to have a couple beers and get outta there. But of course your buddy spots a seat directly next to the stage.... reluctantly you follow. This is where your second obstacle is presented to you... the waitress. Unlike the door men the waitress has to be nice to you and could be your friend. Shes a cute girl wearing just a little more than most of the dancers. ADVICE: Tip them well and all will be good poor tiping could reasult in ending up with a condition called SOBRIETY and noone wants that. She asks what youll have and of course you order a beer. She returns and says $5 a piece guys. WTF is up with this place and $5 grrrr you give her $6 and she goes about her way. Total spent on the night $11 and only one drink in. This is when you experiance the most dangerous of all the creatures in this place.... the stripper. Although beautiful ( in most cases) they can be exceptionaly dangerous. Follow these percautions when coming in contact with one, Avoid showing them how much money you have or you will end up with none, Dont comment on her c section scar thats just not polite and the most improtant NEVER look them directly in the eye. Word is that the older ones can actully drain money from your ATM/Debit card just with a steady amount of eye contact. As you sip your bear miliking it in fear of having to pay five dollars for another, your buddy suddenly dissappears. The dancer is also missing. This is not a time to panic, there is nothing you can do for your buddy at this point hes fallen prey. You begin to survey the crowd when you see the waitress you panic relizing that your low on beer you try not to make eye contact but its too late. She walks to your table says 4 bud lights right? You quickly respond with no were still good, at that moment she points to the sign saying " PATRONS MUST PURCHASE A DRINK EVERY HALF HOUR". You reluctantly ablige and give her six more dollars. Total spent $16 2 beers in... You then relize your buddys still missing, sadly your not worried just kinda mad that he got out of payin for another beer. Not to worry hes payin for it in the back. Feelin a little more comfortable you loosen up and relize a good looking blonde on stage. You pull out a dollar bill and stand at the edge of the stage. She walks down to you bends down and you get a full booby barrage. You put your hand on the back of the dancers leg (mostly because shes wearing so much perfume between them things you think your gonna faint and needed something to hold on to). You feel a hand on your shoulder, spin around in hopes its your buddy that dissappeard nearly and hr ago, its the door man that pulls you aside and says next time you touch one of my dancers your out.....kinda drastic but you applogize and take a seat. Quess whos waiting at your table THE WAITRESS! You order another knowing that its inevitable and decide to also get a shot. The waitress comes back and say $13. You say ooo im just paying for mine not theres to, she replies with I know and a smile. You give her 15 and pray that this is the best shot youve ever had. Total spent $30 3 beers 1 shot. At this point you decide to stop bein a cheap wad and decide its time to get drunk. Btw your buddys still missing naturally worry sets in but just relax as long as hes got a steady flow of cash no harm will be done to him. This time you catch the waitress and decide to switch it up with a mixed drink and another shot. She returns and says $18 you give her twenty. Total spent $50 3 beers 1 drink and 2 shots. The dancer you had tipped comes over and sits with you. You strike up a conversation and break the eye contact rule... im sorry friend its all over now. You buy her and yourself another drink.. another 20 bucks $70 bucks in the hole. Another drink for you and yourself $90. Another with a shot chaser for both $130 bucks. This is when a slight burr sets in. You find yourself walking into the back room. You see your buddy with his belt around his head. Funny thing his hes sober... o well. You find a seat on a couch. You decide on getting another drink and a couple shots for you and your new lady friend. This time you just give the waitress your card and say lets just do a tab. The lapdance begin, the shots keep coming. The blurr is now a thick fog. The next thing you remember is waking up passed out in your fridge holding and entire ham. You compose your self go to the bathroom. look in the mirror and your covered with sparkles and smell of the new scent from brittany spears. You reach in your pocket find a small piece of paper. On the front the damages for the night you examine holding your breathe total- $1250 tip- gdsersfds wtf that dosent even make any sense whatever. You flip it over a phone number with the name Jazzy next to it you smile, and decided it was the best 1250 dollar night youve spent in your entire life!